Dani

She made me a hat
Brought me a flan for dessert
Oh she's a keeper

Pride Haiku

"You're adorable,"
The lesbian said to me.
Why can't she be straight?

Fakers

I hate fake people.
They give me anxiety.
They make me feel sick.

On Set Haiku

Hurry up and wait

One hundred bucks and a meal

Extra work is fun

Gonna ask her out

Already friends on Facebook

Crushing on Julie

Corny love poem

It's an adolescent crush

It's good for a laugh

Future

Completely honest
She makes me a better man
The girl I will wed

Superficial

Superficial girl

Dishonest user of men

I used to love her

(Added February 14, 2013)

Trying to let go

Praying for their happiness

I don't want to hurt

I need to forgive

Hard to forgive a liar

She won't admit it

I was used by her

Manipulated by her

I was discarded

"Open" Haiku

When one can't commit

An "Open" relationship

Is not the answer

Anxiety haiku

My heart still races

Only not for good reasons

I take drugs for her

Home - haiku

I want to go home.

But I don't know where home is.

I hope she is close.

Highland Ridge Haiku

3/9/12

Pretty broken girls

I wish I could fix them all

I'm codependent

*     *     *

Stirring up the shit

I feel like I'm McMurphy

Lobotomize me?

---

3/10/12

I'm feeling anxious

I won't go to my bedroom

I won't isolate

---

3/13/12

"Zachary"

A Freddy Prinze clone

"It's a conspiracy, man!"

Six A.M. dancing

*     *     *

"Nina"

She left then came back

Young enough to be my kid

She'll soon find her strength

*     *     *

"Tiffanie"

Pretty wife and mom

Like Kara Thrace with red hair

First to read my words

*     *     *

"Charice"

So quiet that first day

We all worried about her

She's so different now

*     *     *

"Shannon"

She giggled all day

We had some conversations

She's pretty normal

*     *     *

"Brit"

More than just a "tech"

Better than a counselor

She comforted me

---

3/14/12

Mt birthstone should be

Unobtainium. I want

What I cannot have

*     *     *

Every time I'm here

I get a crush on a girl

Hardly the best place

*     *     *

I'm still obsessing

I've been here over a week

Can't I turn it off?

*     *     *

This actually helped

I'm going back to bed now

Sweet dreams and sweet meds

*     *     *

"Nina"

Envelope in hand

Holding onto it for strength?

I hope it helps her

Hai ku for a makeup artist

Cute curvy redhead
Turns me into a zombie
Makes me beautiful

For Heather Shelton ;-)

Prayer

I felt sad today
I turned to God and I prayed.
I felt comforted

Hai ku for my friends

(Updated June 15, 2011)

For Annie:

Met at IFS
We connected over time
Found special friendship.

* * *

For Brenda:

Self-described "cougar"
Prolific Utah actress
Plays well with others.

* * *

For Taunya:

Raising Kayn and such
Righteous babe, non profit goals
Changing Utah film.

* * *

For Kara Lyn:

Look and sound alike
Seventies diva performs
Going places fast!

* * *

For Sae Sae

Meet my friend Sae Sae
A beautiful producer
Smart, strong and lovely

Little Children

Little boy, what are you doing in this grown up world?
..... Don't you know you can't tear apart that which others have worked long and hard to build?
..... You can't destroy people the same way you destroy a sand castle about to be swallowed up by the sea.

Little boy, what are you doing in this grown up world?
..... Don't you know when to stop playing rough?
..... Don't you know when to stop teasing?
..... Don't you know that when someone says, "Stop! That's enough!" that you're supposed to put down your toys and stop playing?

Little boy, what are you doing in this grown up world?
..... Don't you know you can't go around being a bully?
..... Don't you know you can't tell people what to do?
..... Don't you know you can't take things that aren't yours?
..... You can't get your way by crying any more.

Little boy, what are you doing in this grown up world?
..... Don't you know that you can't force yourself on people?
..... Don't you know that you can't plan moments to your advantage?
Weren't you ever told to keep your hands to yourself?

Little boy, what are you doing in this grown up world?
..... Don't you know that you're supposed to return the things that you borrow?
..... Don't you know that you can't take advantage of the generosity of others?

Little boy, what are you doing in this grown up world?
..... Don't you know that you can't pretend to be someone or something that you aren't?
..... Don't you know that you can't isolate yourself from others?
..... Don't you know that you can't live in a fantasy world?
..... Don't you know that you have to interact with people not just pretend to interact with them?
..... Don't you think I know it hurts?

Little girl, what are you doing in this grownup world?
..... Don't you know that you can't play favorites anymore?
..... Don't you know that you can't say , "You're my best friend and that's my second best friend and that's my third best friend." or, "You're my best friend today. He was my best friend, yesterday. He may be my best friend tomorrow and he the day after that."
..... Don't you know that you aren't supposed to speak badly about other people?

Little children, what are you doing in this grownup world?
..... Don't you know you might get hurt?
..... Don't you know that we treat each other differently here.....
..... .....Don't we?

Little Children

Little boy, what are you doing in this grown up world?
..... Don't you know you can't tear apart that which others have worked long and hard to build?
..... You can't destroy people the same way you destroy a sand castle about to be swallowed up by the sea.

Little boy, what are you doing in this grown up world?
..... Don't you know when to stop playing rough?
..... Don't you know when to stop teasing?
..... Don't you know that when someone says, "Stop! That's enough!" that you're supposed to put down your toys and stop playing?

Little boy, what are you doing in this grown up world?
..... Don't you know you can't go around being a bully?
..... Don't you know you can't tell people what to do?
..... Don't you know you can't take things that aren't yours?
..... You can't get your way by crying any more.

Little boy, what are you doing in this grown up world?
..... Don't you know that you can't force yourself on people?
..... Don't you know that you can't plan moments to your advantage?
Weren't you ever told to keep your hands to yourself?

Little boy, what are you doing in this grown up world?
..... Don't you know that you're supposed to return the things that you borrow?
..... Don't you know that you can't take advantage of the generosity of others?

Little boy, what are you doing in this grown up world?
..... Don't you know that you can't pretend to be someone or something that you aren't?
..... Don't you know that you can't isolate yourself from others?
..... Don't you know that you can't live in a fantasy world?
..... Don't you know that you have to interact with people not just pretend to interact with them?
..... Don't you think I know it hurts?

Little girl, what are you doing in this grownup world?
..... Don't you know that you can't play favorites anymore?
..... Don't you know that you can't say , "You're my best friend and that's my second best friend and that's my third best friend." or, "You're my best friend today. He was my best friend, yesterday. He may be my best friend tomorrow and he the day after that."
..... Don't you know that you aren't supposed to speak badly about other people?

Little children, what are you doing in this grownup world?
..... Don't you know you might get hurt?
..... Don't you know that we treat each other differently here.....
..... .....Don't we?

3A Hai Ku

3A is the in-patient mental health building at the VA Hospital in Salt Lake City. As I write this, I've been admitted there four times. During my fourth visit, I wrote Hai Ku poetry that is presented here. Some of them are amusing, others are kinda serious.

They are broken down into six categories:

"Leading Up" is about the last night before I checked into the hospital. This, in and of itself, is NOT what put me there. It was just the last thing that kinda pushed me over the edge. In all fairness, I was already teetering on the brink at the time.

"On Arrival" is just that. My feelings on arriving at the ward.

"On the routine" consists of my reflections on the daily activities in the ward.

"On the Level" are some more serious and introspective thoughts.

"Linda" is my favorite nurse.

"Farewell" is my love-letter to the staff.

---

Leading Up
Stuck on the mountain The mud slide keeps us up there I cannot calm down
	Where did she come from? I didn't know she was here I keep my distance
They all start a fire I want to warm myself too But I stay away
	I stare at my boots Coated with mud. It binds me I can't take them off

---

On Arrival
Same nut cases here Their faces are different Stay out of my room
	My face is the same But I've been here four times now I'm a nut case too
I have my own room But there's a camera in it I get no "Me" time
	He makes me nervous He says the F-word a lot I'll get over it
She's cute and she's gay I saw her with her girlfriend I envy them both

---

On The Routine
"Come get your breakfast" We all line up like cattle Who stole my coffee?
	Time for therapy "Tell me about your childhood" "It's my parents' fault"
I'm a narcissist That's what's so great about me And I'm humble too
	Do you know what's wrong? Clearly it's low self esteem Snap out of it, jerk!

---

On the Level
Photos and paintings Hanging unseen on the walls No one wants to look
	Glad I'm not a drunk Don't have to go through withdrawal I still feel my pain
I so need a shave No razors allowed in here "I promise I won't..."
	I wish she was here On second thought, no I don't She deserves better

---

Linda
She's "almost fifty" I can't believe it either She's a real cutie
	Just one silly joke Insinuating is best Her face becomes red

---

Farewell

They're the ones in charge Docs just visit and say, "Hi" Nurses run the show

Medicated

(revised March 10, 2011)

---

Five little green pills.
One and a half blue pills.
One GIANT horse pill.
Half of an orange pill.

The little green pills are for depression.
Having to take them every day depresses me.

The blue pills (no, not THOSE blue pills) are for anxiety.
Having to take all these damn pills makes me anxious.

Before I choked on the 1000 mg horse pills,
I gagged on the 500 mg ones.
I asked if I could just take two 500s instead of the 1000s.
They said, "Yes."
And sent me 750s.

The orange pill is for cholesterol.
This pill is split in half.

Splitting the pill allows it to get stuck on your tongue.
The chalky, bitter, disgusting face of the broken half
rubbing across your taste buds making you want to PUKE!

But you better not!
Otherwise you'll have to take them ALL over again!

Half Empty

Only half of the walls have pictures on them.
The other half are empty.

Only half of the bathroom counter space is taken up by anything.
The other half is empty.

Only half of the bedroom looks lived in.
The other half is empty.

There are two closets.
Only one is filled with trousers, shirts, shoes and ties.
The other one is empty.

Why are half the walls bare?
Why are the rooms half empty?
Why is one closet going unused?

For the same reason I only sleep on one half of my bed.
I'm just waiting for someone.
Someone to come and fill the empty space.

Evidence*

(revised August 23, 2007; February 4, 2010)

---

First, there was London.
If we got married, her name would have been London "Bridge."
I dreamt that she was making fun of me.
She broke up with me the next day.
Then there was Amie.
I was in love with an illusion then...
I feel as though I dodged a bullet now.
Josie was in love with me.
But I was too blinded then to notice.
Because of Amie.
Brooke inspired me to write my first novella...
"Inspires me" has been on my list of
"Qualities I look for in a woman" ever since.
Jo Ann let me kiss her before I got out of the car.
I didn't even have to ask.
Then someone accused me of doing more with her than just kissing.
Nothing happened after that.
I fell pretty hard for the girl from Portage.
But she was waiting for a return missionary.
She just didn't know which one.
I followed Bianca around like a puppy.
It was embarrassing for both of us.
Linda was the first girl that I just outright told.
"I really like you."
She let me down easy.
Joan and I kinda stumbled into our relationship.
It was romance by peer pressure.
After she ended it, she took up drinking.
I made myself miserable for a year.
I fell in love with Tracy even though she was engaged.
She never held it against me.
I thought I finally made a connection with Josie.
I visited her on leave...
She ditched me to go watch a movie she had already seen.
I fell really hard for Audri,
Despite her drama, her lies and manipulation.
You do stupid things when you're in love with the wrong person.
I thought I found my soul mate in Michelle.
She told me what it would take to destroy what we had...
And I did it.
Vanessa refused to "define the relationship."
But we were in love.
She broke up with me...
But we wouldn't stop sleeping together.
Cindy was my on-again-off-again girlfriend.
We decided to stay friends for the sake of her children.
They love me!
I didn't tell Samantha how I felt about her.
Though I think she might have known at some level.
Either way, she was dating my best friend at the time.
Mandy said she pined for me ever since high school.
Then she treated me like I didn't exist.
I told her how it made me feel...
So she started to spread gossip about me.
Natalie wasn't looking for a relationship.
I fell in love with her anyway.
She didn't hold it against me either.

Most people have photographs of themselves with

their former girlfriends, boyfriends or crushes.

When I look back at the girls and women that I really loved,

I realize that I don't have a single photograph of me with any of them.

Ever since then, I've wondered:

If there's no photographic evidence,

then how do I know if any of them were even real?

Thanks to a friend, I know at least one was.

*This poem reminds me of the song "88 Lines Lines About 44 Women" by The Nails.

I have...

I have a car but nowhere to go.

I have a place to live but no home.

I have voice-mail but no messages.

I have a tree but no presents.

I have warmth but no comfort.

I have food but my heart still hungers.

I have friends but no soul mate.

I have relatives but no family.

I have memories that I don't want.

I have forgotten things I wish I could get back.

I have hope but it's getting harder to hold onto.

I have regret but I've not been forgiven.